You may not know me, in fact I have no idea why you would know me, being the lowly plebeian lesbian that I am, but I humbly beg of you to allow me to offer an homage.
I've seen thee, my loveliest of Kates, taking out your garbage, walking to your car, modestly closing the shade when you get undressed. You may have noticed me clawing at the fence of your gated community, or pasting pictures of you to various parts of my body using my homemade glue of xanthan gum, loneliness, and lesbian tears. Upon inspecting the contents of your aforementioned garbage, I have discovered your love of Mother Earth (you recycle, obvi :)!), you prefer O.B. tampons (which promote a healthy vaginal environment, well done), and that your toenails have a delightfully piquant flavor (I'd pair them with a light, sunny Riesling).
One day, my sweet, you'll cease to sic your large bodyguards upon my humble personage, and realize that we were meant to be. I mean, who else would carve your initials on their labia minora with a rusty bow knife? Seriously, I totally could have gotten tetanus (don't worry, the doctors amputated in time ;) ).
Sincerely, With Utmost Love (and a High-Definition Camera),
Ariel
You are hilarious, but I was eating and will now proceed to channel Holly having a Pokey shits fit. Thank you.
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