Monday, October 26, 2009

Phase, My Ass.

I have been pretty fortunate in what's known as my "coming out." Sometimes this process can take several years (in fact, I think that's pretty typical, from my own experience, and from stalking my gays ;)), and often goes in stages, i.e. rage, denial, tolerance, acceptance, etc. This is in NO way a typical sequence of events, just a general representation. Some homos, upon leaping gracefully from their walk-in closet, are immediately cut off by their redneck parents, and are thereafter subject to their everlasting rage and are permanently ostracized. Other queerbags (such as myself) have families that learn by osmosis (because my mother has a big mouth and thought it was novel, for Christ's sake), and it went like this: I sat down for Thanksgiving dinner one year, and everybody had big smiles on their faces. Being a naturally curious individual, I inquired, "Um, what?" and they burst out laughing and started to tease me about whether or not I used whipped dairy products in the bedroom with my girlfriend. I shit you not. It was definitely good-natured teasing, mind you, so I've been insanely lucky in that regard.

The one thing that chaps my big gay ass, however, is people who are generally tolerant of "deviant" human behavior (and it cracks me up that people consider homosexuality to be "deviant". Bitch, you ain't seen nothin' yet.) and whom I believe are genuinely tolerant of homosexuals, "But", they quip, "in YOUR case....I don't know if you're tooootally gay."

Gold stars, feel free to disregard this information, as it will most likely not speak to you. Oh, and for those not familiar with the phrase "gold star", it refers to a lesbian who has only had intercourse with other women, and never in her life with a man. I think my grade of star hovers somewhere around aluminum, but whatever. I consider it invaluable experience. H'anyway, just in case any of you persons were unsure about my sexuality, I'm now engaging exclusively in physical and emotional liaisons with those of the same sex as myself. To the layperson: I bed women. And buy them pretty things. Unless they like boy stuff. Then I buy them Legos and shit. I'm not saying that could NEVER change, but I'm pretty damn self aware, and find it extremely unlikely that I will ever swing back around. To you skeptical bastards who insist otherwise, allow me to paint you a metaphor:

You are an ice cream lover. You have been since you hit puberty. You think ice cream is the bee's knees, man, and you eat it as often as you are able to coax that carton of ice cream into bed...I mean into a bowl on your kitchen table. All your life, however, you have been exposed EXCLUSIVELY to vanilla ice cream. Despite the monotony and lack of...flavor overload, if you catch my drift, it's fine, you still eat ice cream, because you think it's delightful and you'd rather shave off your own eyelids with a rusty Bic than give it up altogether. Then, one day, someone introduces you to mocha chip rocky fuckin' road with crack sprinkles. It's the closest thing to heaven you'll ever be (in my case, being an atheist, quite literally I suppose). Now, you could go back to vanilla, it's still waiting there, cartons and cartons and cartons of it. You could go back...but why the motherfuck would you?

I did not detest sex with men. I know some lesbians who'd sooner douse their own genitals in liquid nitrogen than allow a man to get within five feet of her junk, but it was not that way with me. It's just that...something was missing. And it turns out that something was a vagina.

I love women. The way they sound, taste, talk, the things they read, the way they walk, the sound of a woman moaning. Men do all those things, but they're muted somehow, as though a gray veil of mediocrity coats my vision when I attempt to consider them romantically. I could try to claw my way through the gray, or I could (forgive me)...taste the rainbow ;).

And boys, if you're still skeptical: know how much you like tits? Yea. Me too. Hope that helps.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

This is Time That Could Be Spent Feeding the Homeless, You Fat Christian Fuck.

H'okay, so, I used to go to church. Born n' raised catholic, attended catholic educational institutions until I was 14, intimidated by nuns and leered at by clergy (though I lack a phallus, and was therefore spared the wandering hands of the holy ghost, if you will). I used to actually parTICIPATE in this bullshit. Something tells me this is NOT what Jesus had in mind.

I'm not gonna embark on a 20 minute rant, because they are not worthy of my overly-flowery diction, or TIME, for that fucking matter. Couple of main points:

1. There is no cure for gay. It's pretty much ingrained. A guy I know, we call him J Kitt, strutted the fuck out of the womb in prada heels, ostrich feathers, belting Rent and waving a glittery rainbow flag. You could lobotomize, electro-shock, fuckin' Chinese water torture that motherfucker till he goes blind, but he'll still be groping for cock when you let him the fuck out. No camps, programs, handshakes from Jesus can cure that kinda hunger. Your "rehabilitated" gays are for sure blowing each other in the confessional when your back's turned. Trust me.

2. I don't fuck on your altar, stay the FUCK away from my pride parade.

There's this one bitch who's always at the Philly gay events, and she wears this unforgivable ankle-length denim skirt EVERY time. She screams shit like, "Homosexuality is a SIN!!" in this atrociously nasal falsetto, like a dumbass stripper voice, and every time I really wanna say, "So's your skirt, you fucking sand-vagged cunt." That's it, just made up my mind. I'm gonna.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


'Kay you guys, so obviously True Blood's huge, and biting it's way to the top with a vengeance. Love them or hate them, vampires have a sexual edge in American culture (as well as many other cultures, i.e. succubi, inccubi, etc.) and pose fascinating questions about the human psyche: love of S&M, blood play, dominance/submission, and all that bloody jazz. Even if you are absolutely disgusted by the idea of such things, the average human holds a morbid fascination for what they imply. I mean, what the hell else do ladies' church circles talk about (not that I would fuckin' know)?

One thing that fascinates me (and this could actually be stemming more from my knowledge of the books to the actual series) is that vampires in the show/books do seem to allow for sexual ambiguity. A bunch of people are getting up in arms about this, stating that the show demonizes gays, stating that the vampires on the show represent the homosexual minority metaphorically (in the book, the author, Charlaine Harris, describes the act of vampires exposing themselves to humans as "coming out of the coffin"):

If these murderous, evil creatures are figures for gay people, then they are figures for the religious right's worst nightmare of what gay people are. Their orgies are soaked in blood, and one sip of their v-juice can convert anyone to a mindless, lust-wracked pervert.

Show creator Ball has made ambivalent comments about the way his vampires seem uncannily to resemble gay people. “For me, part of the fun of this whole series is that it’s about vampires, so it’s not that serious," he told the Los Angeles Times. "However, they do work as a metaphor for gays . . . for anyone that’s misunderstood. At the same time it’s not a metaphor at all."

Article entitled "Let's Face It: 'True Blood' Hates Gay People"

I shall respectfully disagree. While, yes, some of the characters on the show do seem to get a little blood-happy and murder scores of southern belles yearning for a sexual thrill, I'd actually tend to believe that it is a form of sexual empowerment (Evan Rachel Wood can murder the FUCK out of my thighs, buffet-style, any day of the week), not necessarily exclusively for homosexuals (the bars in which they convene depict more of an S&M theme versus a gay club. You wouldn't catch Eric sniffing poppers and jamming to Lady Gaga). The vampires in the series, while they could have remained anonymous creatures of the night, and preyed upon unsuspecting humans, actually did take the step to ally themselves with the human culture. They voluntarily subjected themselves to the shitshow that is human nature, which is rarely (in my opinion) forgiving. These creatures are highly superior in a multitude of ways: supernatural abilities, such as flying, super-speed, etc., immortality, blah di blah. They could have easily overpowered us, with their superior political skills (the kingdoms of the culture are outlined more thoroughly in the books than the series) and the multitudes of human lackeys that would guard their unconscious forms throughout the night, simply for the privilege of being their midnight snack upon awakening. Instead, the vampires chose to coexist, and assimilate themselves into a culture whose primary function, to them, is fucking food. Vampires have sex, at will, with those who are willing to submit, often with little to no regard of the gender of the submissive. These hyper-evolved beings who have suppressed their love for human juice in favor of assimilation, despite their obvious advantages over humans...have a tendency to not care whose junk they're bumping. 'Tis aaaaall about the lovin'. Hearts not parts, am I right?

Don't really care if I'm right, it's an interesting concept. Even virginal heroine Sookie Stackhouse casts aside her conservative upbringing, submits to Bill's appetite for blood, and enjoys every second of it. He drinks from her every time they have sex. P.S. There are a lot of opinions flying around about the Bella/Sookie dichotomy, which is hilarious to me. One is the voluntarily impotent protagonist spewed from the subconscious of a sexually suppressed Mormon housewife... and then there's Sookie. Say whatchu like, but anybody who'd bitch-slap a Maenad with a sparkling white light of doom can handle themselves. Sookie's got a couple of big ole' balls rolling around in her junk drawer.

So, if Sookie can embrace the darkness of the vamps, even revel in it, why can't we embrace the "darkness" within ourselves? Vampires are a creation scraped from the blackest, stickiest parts of the Id. A superior race with a tendency to fuck who they like? Vampires know what they like, fuck who they want, and chose to coexist with humans rather than stick them on a spit and suck. It's the perfect combination of sex, compassion, and (bet you saw this coming) rock n' roll.

And I just have one word: Lafayette. A black, MAC-slathered gay man smearing fabulous-ness all over Louisiana. If that's not empowerment, I don't know what the hell is.

So...I'm gonna leave my window open. And don my laciest garb. And pop some anti-coagulants. If any lady vamps are making time to read this, you know where to find me ;).

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

OOooooh, So THAT'S Why His Sandals Were So Fabulous....

"There is nothing in the Christian Scriptures (New Testament) which specifically identifies Jesus' sexual orientation. The Bible does not say clearly whether Jesus had a heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual orientation. It is silent on whether Jesus was celibate or sexually active; single or married, childless or with children. 2 However, a few theologians have asserted that Jesus had, and presumably still has, a homosexual orientation."

Quoted here.

Yes, Jesus was gay. Just like unicorns. And also like unicorns...fictional.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Abortion Is A Good Idea Because We'd Have Less of THESE People.

Let me begin this humble post with a definition. I think most ladies n' gents would agree that Merriam-Webster is a fairly reliable source, and so:

Logic: # Pronunciation: \ˈlä-jik\
# Function: noun 1 a (1) : a science that deals with the principles and criteria of validity of inference and demonstration : the science of the formal principles of reasoning (2) : a branch or variety of logic

I've been perusing the prop 8 front, juuuust for fun, why not, right? Let's see what the fuss is about. Upon reviewing the website, I stepped into my third-party pants, and pretending I was an undecided voter, simply gathering information. The first step, I would gather, would be to figure out why it would be a good idea to support this measure. So, naturally, I clickity clicked on the link, entitled "Why Vote Yes?"
Here's what we got, direct quote:

The Issue
California voters passed Proposition 22 in 2000 by more than 61%, saying that a marriage in California is between a man and a woman. Earlier this year, four activist judges based in San Francisco wrongly overturned the people's vote, legalizing same-sex marriage.
The Consequences
The Supreme Court’s decision to legalize same-sex marriage did not just overturn the will of California voters; it also redefined marriage for the rest of society, without ever asking the people themselves to accept this decision. This decision has far-reaching consequences. For example, because public schools are already required to teach the role of marriage in society as part of the curriculum, schools will now be required to teach students that gay marriage is the same as traditional marriage, starting with kindergarteners. By saying that a marriage is between “any two persons” rather than between a man and a woman, the Court decision has opened the door to any kind of “marriage.” This undermines the value of marriage altogether at a time when we should be restoring marriage, not undermining it., you didn't answer a question. You provided a stilted, biased viewpoint in favor of bigotry and prejudice. And yes, the word bigot has negative connotations, but again, here's the MW definition:

bigot: # Pronunciation: \ˈbi-gət\
# Function: noun :a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

Dunno, call me batshit, but I'd say that preventing a group of people from obtaining a set of constitutional rights would fall under the category of intolerant. Small side note, as well, in response to your reference to the "61% of voters": from 1654 to 1865, it was legal to own people. A majority of people supporting a measure does not make it constitutional. That's why we had to fix it (google "ammendment").

'Kay, so you've given me your viewpoint. You think that only a man and a woman should get married. 'Cause giving same-sex couples the right to marry is bad.

::Wraps lips around megaphone, inhales deeply::...WHYYYYY????

What could possibly happen? Honestly? The gays gather their marriage licenses, their eyes go opaque, teeth lengthen and sharpen, and they begin bolting through the village square, biting heteros and pumping their homo venom into the veins of innocent children?

Here's the best part:

"Proposition 8 is NOT an attack on gay couples and does not take away the rights that same-sex couples already have under California’s domestic partner law."

So, basically, we have our water fountain, and you have yours. Everyone's happy, right?

"Equal rights for all, special privileges for none." -Thomas Jefferson. Yea, that guy. The one who wrote The Declaration of Independence? You know, one of the documents upon which this nation was founded? Maybe pull your nose, first, out of your bible, and then your head out of your ass, and educate yourself. Your personal viewpoints DO NOT MATTER. What matters, kids, is doing our very best to uphold and honor the rights of all American citizens.

::Steps off soapbox, snaps, goes into kitched to mix a gin and tonic::.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Homosexuality is a SIN


God Hates Sin

If you are looking, for the right to continue
in that which is clearly called a perversion,
then you have found the wrong site!
Homosexuality is a SIN period!
Not only that but it is unnatural
The same as sex with an animal is unnatural!

The Bible doesn't speak much of the sin of Homosexuality?
It also doesn't speak of incest or bestiality much more neither?
Guess you want to make them legal and not a sin also!

Not only, sir, is your grammar absolutely atrocious, but you paint such a hateful picture. Allow me a retort:

Now, how could such a happy, carefree creature possibly be evil? Deserve such scorn? Homosexuals are beacons of joy, you silly bigot :)

Spread love, not Christianity. Namaste.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Leather Daddies...AND Mommies!!

So I've found a fabulous addition to the world of fashion. It just screams deviance and defiance and pushes it's stiletto heel into the eye socket of conventional dress.

Skin Graft
fashions, seen recently on several somewhat notable celebrities (Margaret Cho, Fergie, and let's not forget everyone's favorite little wannabe bisexual skank-a-thon, Tila Tequila! Jk, jk, lol lol).

I don't know what about it makes me think gay, I suppose because the whole line has a tendency to throw the male/female dichotomy into a blender and hit puree. Chicks in assless chaps, boys in lace n' leather. It makes my inner demon-dyke lesbian princess simply sing. It also makes me wish I bled rhinestones and raven feathers.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pardon Me, Is That Lipstick on Your Strap-on?

There is a serious lack of femmey blog outlets on the internet. I had no idea that lipsticks were such a joke amongst the general dyke community:

When exiting the tube station this morning I witnessed something I thought didn’t exist. I saw two lipstick lesbians kissing. Obviously I know of the existence of lipstick lesbians, I know they’re out there but I don’t know any personally and for some reason I always imagined lipstick lesbians as a species of trashy women who wear too much make up and dress in short skirts and ultra-high heels. I’ve always regarded Bette Porter and Helena Peabody as fantasies of Ilene Chaiken and I never for one second thought that there could be real life versions of them. I guess it’s just me mingling with the wrong crowds. -Dykes and the City blog post

Well pardon me for not slapping on the chucks, leather cuffs, and Got2B Spiking Glue. Don't get me wrong, I love me some butchies, but for Christ's sake I know there's some other women out there who can check out a girl's Manolo's as WELL as her ass. My life is AMAZING in that way.

Honestly, I'm very rarely attracted to skirts. I like my women brainy, brooding, and often addicted to Hugo by Hugo Boss. Gimme a dyke in a collared shirt with 47 K.D. Lang tracks on her iPod any day. Do not assume, however, that I will not rip off your ruched-silk bubble skirt, fuck you silly, then ask to borrow it in the morning. Just sayin'.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Location, Location, Location.

My ass is sticking to a wooden chair, cheeks glued firmly to the seat by my own fluids. I'm in the boiling hot current apartment of my future roommates, can't move into my new place 'cause they're dropping down new carpets. It's a three-story brick building shoved unceremoniously into the armpits of two other brick buildings. I love it.

The street is small and quiet, bright window boxes spilling flowers, a myriad of colors twinkling down the street. I plan on shoving as many bunches of fake flowers into my dusty collection of wine bottles as I can, and plonking them down on every available surface in my room.

I used to live in State College, PA, home of Penn State University, the Nittany Lion, and incalculable numbers of sweaty drunken mongoloid freshman. I graduated from the university two years ago, then bummed around from job to job, hoping and praying for some beam of genius to burst through the clouds and penetrate my molding brain. No such lucky luck luck.

So. A change of perspective. A new set of beaten-down sidewalks for me to traverse. I'm gonna peel my ass of this sweaty chair and take a breath of Philadelphian air. It'll probably smell like cheesesteaks and crackheads, but I'll risk it.